Nobody is gonna push this good girl around anymore…
Damaged
“There are a lot of pretty girls. We’re hot. Why? We’re damaged. And you wanting more attention than you could ever possibly get – that is your drive. It’s why you’re successful. Don’t ever, ever fix your daddy issues. Otherwise, you’re just going to be some woman, on a couch, sitting there, watching tv with your husband, eating ice cream sandwiches.” ~Andrea Belladonna, Samantha Who
I feel like I’m having the hardest time with my dad lately. He doesn’t listen to a thing I say, does things (illegally!) behind my back that could get my into a lot of trouble with the government. He claimed me as a dependent last year and I filed my own taxes like I always do since I don’t know when. He could have cost me my insurance, and so many other things. Now he tried to sneak getting paid as a home health care worker or something like that behind my back, but he didn’t open this mail (getting rusty there Dad!) and I found out that I was denied, after he promised not to enroll in the program. I could also lose my insurance because of that. Does he care? Doesn’t seem like it. Doesn’t seem like he really cares about much lately except getting money for doing no work at all, and trying to figure out how to get a payday out of working with a non profit organization. Yea, good luck there!! So we’ve established he’s a liar, a criminal (repeatedly opening my mail when I ask him not to. I’m not hiding anything, but I just like opening mail, haha) and he’s now the whole family isn’t sure if he is telling the truth about his colonoscopy he had a few weeks ago.
They found 16 polyps, some huge, and other small ones clustering around the big ones, looking to me and my untrained eye like its cancer and started to metastasize. He came in very somber and told me that the doctor called him and said he was ok. There is supposedly a post card coming with his results, but he claims its lost in the mail. I find it so sad that none of us believe him. And before he said he wouldn’t seek aggressive treatment of any sort, that it was his time and he’d go. UM – what about his family?!?
There are certain fatherly tasks that I would love for him to stick around for. Like when I get engaged, I wanna share the news with him. And when I get married, I want him to walk me down the isle. And since my brother isn’t married or knocking anybody up, I want him to meet his grandchildren. I don’t think that is asking a whole lot. But it is to him. This is one of the most emotionally painful things to go through. I love him, but at the same time, can’t stand him. I am not supposed to cry but I was watching this video just before I started writing this, and it was a lot about fathers passing and whatnot. It made me cry because I know how easily that can be me. He has no will to live.
Movies in general don’t make me cry. Family issues, specifically this one, always cuts straight through to the marrow. It reminds me of the movie Uptown Girls, I know, not the best movie! But it makes me cry every time at the end, because of the connection she has with her father through his music.
There are many other things that I am furious with my father about, but these are the major ones. I wish I could find a way to communicate with him without him yelling at me or me yelling at him. I am utterly frustrated. And he is the only reason I got so involved with the charity fundraiser. He was looking for ways to raise money, bring attention to it, and I kept on giving him suggestions. He took them as his own, and I realized I wanted credit for my hard work (it is hard to work when you aren’t feeling well about 90% of the time) so I joined, and probably ruined the first back epidural I got this year because I had to go to the meeting, but I’m not pushing myself anymore. Where can these jackasses get without me? I don’t mean to brag or boast, but I have brought in more booths, silent auction items, help, donors, and performers through a contact. I’m just sitting on the sidelines now. Its in three weeks, and I don’t think they have enough booths filled, or have everything together, and hell no I’m not going to rescue them. It has hurt my health too much already.
All These Things That I’ve Done
Well old friend, its been a while.
I have insomnia and an upset stomach, so I figured this was a good time to get the things on my head and out on “paper”.
For the last few weeks, I have consumed myself with this military charity. We are having our inaugural Salsa Festival this June in a small town just north of LA. I was giving my dad all my ideas, and then realized that I should get credit for my work! So now I’m on the board of directors for a non-profit, and I can do work from home when I feel well enough. And trying to stop me when I feel good is no easy feat. I have accomplished so much in a short amount of time, it makes me feel good about myself again, in regards to the working world. Of course nobody gets paid, but the gratification is wonderful.
We had a small fundraiser tonight for the bigger fundraiser in June, and I didn’t really realize how much I had invested myself into this project. With two days left, I had only 4 RSVP’s from 500+ people I invited through FB. It was a beer tasting with an awesome dinner and great prizes. Almost everybody left with something. We had great donors. But it shocked me to see that only FOUR people said they would come. Even if this weren’t for charity, I would come for a $20 beer tasting! LOL I need to get over myself and be happy we had a good fun night last night.
I have also been in massive amounts of pain. Right now I have the Butrans patch, Dilaudid and Soma with Zofran to help everything go down. Its a miracle drug. But I’m passed out most of the time, and it seems as if I’m going in to get an epidural every week lately. I’ve had my back and my neck done, and going in for my back again. Its not bad because they put me under and I get great rest! haha
And we are finally in the new house, which I love. It feels more like home than the ranch did. The ranch was a great property. This is a great house, and have beautiful flowers and great fruit trees, berries, everything!
And this double black thumb is so glad we have a gardner!
ER – not the TV show
Monday night was horrible. I was in so much pain that I had to go to the ER, and I was going to go to the local ER, because that is where I thought my new doctor would be, and hello – its close! But instead I decided to be “smart” and go down to UCLA SM ER because all my doctors are there. Did I get to see my doctor? NO. Did they page him when I asked 5 different times? NO. I felt like they treated me like a drug seeker, when in fact nothing is helping my pain. Two of Dilaudid, Morphine and Toridol, nothing. Add in lots of Zofran! haha, those are likely to cause nausea. And it did, but I had my trusty Zofran 
After being yelled at and shoved out the door – without even relieving my pain, so basically no service, I paged my doctor myself. He told me to come in the office in a few hours, and he couldn’t believe they wouldn’t page him or my neurologists. He saw me, took my files seriously this time, took me seriously – I think because I went to his daughter (who I played with in k-3, small world!) And her office is really close to my house. And she’s a good doctor. Anyways, he’s having his office take care of the specialty neuro I’m supposed to see. Its taken all week to get this done, but I think on Friday I can finally make my appointment.
I am so lucky to have certain people in my life. A good friend stayed up all night texting me in the ER, helping me contact our primary care doctor, and holding my hand. She’s kept on holding it even though she has her own problems. I realize how lucky I am to have a friend like that, and family that would stay with me in the ER.
As to finding whats wrong, I’m trying to find a pain management doctor who is in my network, and genetics counseling.
If I skip my medication it is only if I have to stay coherent for doctors appointments or have to take care of doctors referrals, bills, etc. I try to keep in touch with my friends, but I am so zoned out on pain meds. I feel like such a bad friend right now.
And I feel like my time is so redundant, so I don’t think anything is worth writing about. Yes, I’m a bit depressed. But I’m working on it!
“2″ am (4 am)
“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to”Anna Nalick, “Breath (2 am)
Well I think its pretty obvious that I’m going to bust out a tune here. LOL, good thing you can’t hear because I have a terrible voice!
I am still on major pain relievers, even more now than before. I spend my days in a daze, trying not to think about the constant pain I’m in, how tired it makes me, and how I can’t sleep because I’m in said pain. But I have two neurological appointments with new UCLA doctors, and one of them was voted #1 Neurologist in LA. But I’ve been to him before and he dismissed me. I think with everything I have now, tests etc, he might take me more seriously. I am also going to an ataxia specialist. That’ll be a one time visit from what I hear. But hopefully we get to the bottom of this because of my rising pain level. My teeth are hurting me which wasn’t happened in well over 5 years. It is the strongest worst neurological pain that goes down to the roots of my teeth and I can’t eat a lot of foods because chewing is a nightmare. Not glad to have this back! LOL
And when I can think I’ve become so paranoid about breast cancer. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and want to get them removed and new ones put in. Every time I think about it, it makes me cry.
I’m putting so much stress on my family too. I know I’m not easy because I can’t get most things for myself, but also they worry so much. I know they love me, but I don’t want to worry them so much.
I also feel like a bad friend still. I was so lucky to be able to go to my old roomie’s going away party. Now I have another of my very very close friends have her party Saturday, and I know she’s the most understanding of me and my health. But I hate letting people down. Especially her because she’s been holding my hand the last few months. And I SO want to be healthy for St. Paddy’s day!! Its one of my favorite holidays and my half birthday, so I don’t want to miss another year celebrating!!
I still feel some anxiety, and I don’t know what I’m feeling that about. I am trying to get back to writing more, but as I’m getting back to sleeping on a timely basis I don’t write when I normally do. Gotta figure something out. 4 am is very late for me now as opposed to a month or two ago when it would be a good time for me to sleep! LOL I figured out that my room was too cold and causing my insomnia, I slept in a warm room near a fireplace and I was out like a baby!
Hopefully I can get to the bottom of the anxiety and get back to sleep!
Au revoir!
Come So Far
While I have come so far in the last few months, in my setback, it doesn’t feel like it at all. I’m in major pain which has been tough to handle because they don’t want to get me addicted to pain killers, yet can’t seem to find why I’m in pain. Limbo. And being in limbo is painful. And frustrating. I got kicked from my UCLA doc, so I am trying to make appointments, and its not going as planned. Haha, but nothing in life ever does. And having a set back while I’m in pain, double the trouble.
I’m not sure if all this will make sense, because I have taken a pain killer. Just a warning!
I am so blessed to have a friend in DB. She is going through some “interesting” medical things, and its true. Misery loves company. While my friends are wonderful, DB knows how it is to lose your hair, your friends, the anxiety over appointments and test results, the isolated feeling you get when you’re sick for so long. And I really hope that nobody has to know any of what we share, but if you do get sick, cough on your friend a few times and instant sick friends!
I was so nervous about my old roommates going away party – that I wouldn’t be able to make it. But ever my sponsor, DB decided we were going to go and go like HS girls to a party. LOL, my mom drove us over and we parted, but then I had the countdown to when her mother was getting there. We kept each other in line and we left and both stayed healthy. Most importantly I got to see everybody I wished to, say goodbye to my friend and keep what I still had of my health. And so did DB which was a success!
I thought I kicked the insomnia, but this is the first time I’ve really had it in a while. I though maybe I needed to purge what was going on. I would really like to get back to writing, but I was on a electronics purge, so I’m trying to get out of that and be more out there so to speak.
To Health & A Happy New Year…
Its been an interesting 2013 for me. It got started not with a fizzle but a bang. I got very ill New Years Eve. I think someone put something in my drink, because I got way too sick for the amount I had. I ended up in the ER after 29 hours of vomiting, and I started having chest pains and was having a hard time breathing. I went to the ER, and met my deductible – which was kind of a resolution of mine, meet my deductible early in the year – I met it on Jan 1st!
Ever since then I have not felt very well, been in extreme pain and now I have the flu 
I got an injection in my knee to help my knee pain, and I just got an injection for my shoulder too, that seems to help. My back is killing me, I did 2 MRI’s the other day and hope to get the results soon. The docs have upped my Advil, added Tylenol, and Norco, but nothing seems to come close to my pain. Its so frustrating.
Meanwhile I have two things that are kind of pissing me off right now. In all my misery and suffering – quite dramatic I know! My brother has gone back to riding and took the horse that I wanted, and is so quick to brag about how good he is. I don’t want to hear it. He already has an insufferable ego from work which I know is necessary, but to bring it over into the horses is another. He hasn’t paid any of his dues which is what I’m mad about. Every horse he’s ever had has been pretty much ready to go. And expensive! He thinks he is just the best rider ever put on this earth. And then here I am at home with a bad back from horses, and I have put in more of my fair share, and he gets all the glory. I never got a horse that was easy to ride. After me, they were ready to go. I did this with almost every horse that I had. The show last weekend my brother is so proud because he rode for a month? before the competition and did ok. I did this two years ago and won, and its like that never even happened. I rode a horse for two weeks, went to a schooling, and then two weeks later, a show with my personal best dressage score, and then two weeks later another show, blue ribbon and money. But no praise for me. My brother things that because he did this so well he’s ready to go to the Olympics! Sitting here sick with the flu in pain that ranks from 8-10 for the last month, I can’t take this. When I get back to riding I will probably have to start with one of our untrained horses and start from the beginning while he is shot straight to the top of the game after 9 years on the sideline. Ugh!!!
I have had two new neurological problems start, and they scare me. I am assured from my neuro appointment today that everything is alright, that these two are side effects of medication and I need to get off of it. The pain, that has been around since before I started the med he’s blaming. But I’m willing to give it a shot. I am having jerking movements but these are also a side effect of the medication. And so is the “googly” eyes, or nystagmus. Not happy about my doctors appointment today, but all I have to do is get my blood checked and lower my meds until I’m off. I’m just not relieved.
And oddly jealous of a friend who’s been a source of great support, who has been admitted to the hospital. I know she’s sick and I am so glad that she is getting help, but I’m jealous because they won’t let her our of the hospital until she is out of pain. I know they might not figure out what is wrong, but at least they will send her home feeling better.
I’ve been a grouch the last few days and it sucks. It sucks for my family. I mean they only choose to live with me!!
Here’s hoping things turn around
